Pocket Rocker

I am a really slow learner when it comes to men.

I have been off the market for a long time and they are NOT like riding a bike.

Especially in their 50s.

 

naked-man_bicycle_not_young_in_sex-201x300-1
Eye bleach anyone?

And yes I meant that EXACTLY how it sounded.

That is unfortunately my age bracket.

And as lovely as they can be to hang out with, they come with serious baggage.

They have children and ex wives.

Or worse yet ALMOST ex wives.

runforrestrun
RUN FORREST!!! Don’t look back, Don’t try to be brave just RUN!!!

I know women have that too, and yes of course I have it in spades.

But mine is a little different.

When it comes to men I am forty something going on 14.

I have lived on my own a long time .

I don’t have a horrible marriage in my recent past or a string of ex husbands.

I married and procreated with one disaster in my early 20s,

Then I crawled into a cave for a couple of decades.

Exaggeration? Yes.

Huge Exaggeration? Ummm…no

So when I meet a man I want to fuck up his day like its the first time.

happy_derp_valentine_in_love_meme_memo_notepads-r48de5bb15cfc435d8812759445a9c9b1_amb08_8byvr_512
HI!!! I LIKE YOU!!!

(Oh she of the feminine wiles…..Sigh.)

And of course beyond my clear lack of feminine wiles, I have a broken picker.

I don’t actually think its broken, because it never really worked.

I think of it as a birth defect.

And every time I meet a new man I think he’s someone new.

And for some reason its the same guy.

He can be  a  rocker or a banker.

He can be a nerd or a hippie.

Or god forbid a cop.

southland-cops
Just say no to the nice man and back away reelly slow…….

And every time things turn out the same  I am genuinely surprised.

This one hower, has NO excuse.

Seriously.

My bad.

This guy could not have shown me his baggage more clearly than if he’d picked up a steam trunk and hit me in the face with it.

And I should know because I used to date him in my teens and twenties.

poison
The only difference between these guys and the average crossdresser is that they’re not wearing heals.

And a more arrogant bunch of misogynistic, marginally talented ass hats never existed. (To be fair the only one of THESE guys specifically that was truly a human stain was the one on the left. We wont feed his ego by naming him.)

So you would think that when I met a man in his fifties in a heavy metal tribute band, who has a short guy (and penis) complex, and is still “going through a divorce” I might notice a red flag or two.

danger
Sister when I say “DANGER” I do not mean the carpet doesn’t match the drapes!

You would think at my age I would run like hell but no.

I was lonely and bored and he was cute and fun.

I met the man on Plenty O’ Dead Fish, and that is exactly where I threw him back.

And I am grateful because he was such a jerk that it allowed me to take a good hard look at my “Dating Strategy”

Like I don’t really have one.

And sadly, if this guy called me right now I would probably meet him for drinks so I could hear an explanation.

And even MORE astonishing, I don’t know many women who wouldn’t

THIS is why we don’t rule the world ladies.

But I have been given a clear picture of what I don’t want,

AND the determination to insist on something better.

I would ALSO like a man who doesn’t jam his tongue so far down my throat that I feel like I’m being attacked by a horny Moray Eel.

Close up of a green moray eel
HEY BABY!!!! I wanna see your intestines!!

 

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3 thoughts on “Pocket Rocker

  1. They’re very hard to come by. I had to kiss an awful lot of frogs (including mistakenly marrying one who looked like he might turn into a prince but turned into a toad instead) before I found Commando. He’s not prefect but I think I got very lucky. Keep looking 🙂

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