Goodbye Fisher King. And thank you for EVERYTHING

I spent yesterday sobbing on and off over the death of Robin Williams.

The whole country did.

And even now I am pacing and sobbing because I have forgotten how to blog

and I HAVE to write this.

Please pardon me if this sucks a little.

And I will try for once, to pardon myself.

mork_mindy
I know he hated Mork, but it was a HUGE part of my childhood. And its where I met him.

I have an affinity for comedians and Robin was my favorite.

My favorite Robin Williams movie is ironically The Fisher King.

the-fisher-king. Robin Williams
Watching this now will give you more than a few chills

 

I have struggled with anxiety and depression my whole life.

I can remember being depressed as a little girl.

Being alone and talking to myself in the woods for hours, days and weeks on end.

I made up my own little Neverland full of taking animals, evil witches and fairies.

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The Bathtub was full of mermaids and sharks.

I swear it was a parallel universe.

Mr. Williams told of a similar childhood experience.

Depression has been like a surly pet that follows me everywhere.

snippy little dog
BITCH Stop smiling. Who told you you was pretty?

It took me years to get it under control.

And even then it was always napping in a corner with one eye open and growling a little.

And then last year happened.

This blog is a fluffy recap.

My depression woke up like a rabid chihuahua.

And I crawled into a bottle.

I stayed there for the better part of a year.

I stopped writing this blog.

I could barely pass my classes.

I shoved away family and friends.

And there was NO off switch.

I have since begun the process crawling out of that rabbit hole AGAIN.

alice down the rabbit hole
Goddamnit…..here we go again. See you in a bit folks. (I hope……)

But this man’s passing has taught me something invaluable.

Depression can fucking KILL you.

You can be Robin Williams.

You can be beloved to millions.

You can have a career that is not only respectable but iconic.

You can be over 60 and covered with as much hair as a small Grizzlie.

and STILL be considered a sex symbol.

You can have a wife and children who love and adore you.

You’re very name can be synonymous with laughter and smiles.

And depression can still lie to you SO effectively that you are certain that everyone around you would be 

better off if you were gone.

Because that’s what it does.

It is as effective a liar and twister of facts as any evil dictator.

Bugs-Bunny-Hitler2
Bugs Bunny as Hitler. Robin loved Looney Tunes and Chuck Jones as much as I do.

 

 

It’s lies kill people everyday.

I hope this is not in any way glib or disrespectful to his or anyones family.

I just lost my Daddy too.

But I hope at least some will come to understand through this loss that depression is not a joke.

That SOMETIMES when you tell someone to “buck up and get over it” it’s as if you’re

telling someone in a wheelchair to stand up because their presence is bumming YOU out.

I don’t know the answer.

I cannot tell anyone how to deal with a depressed love one.

But this could and should shed a little light.

And to anyone that has depression:

Please stop beating the shit out of yourself.

And don’t let the world do it for you.

We know you are trying.

It just doesn’t always look like it to the world around you.

Fuck them.

Chicken

 

Just keep trying.

And gravitate towards love not criticism.

That’s what I’m going to do.

Goodbye Mr. Williams.

Thanks for everything.

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I’m history! No, I’m mythology! Nah, I don’t care what I am; I’m free hee!
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6 thoughts on “Goodbye Fisher King. And thank you for EVERYTHING

  1. So stiles the happiest and funniest people are fighting the big black cloud. It isn’t always easy to tell who is who. I fight mine with little things to make me smile every day and, mostly, no one would even know I’m fighting. 🙂

  2. I just watched The Fisher King for the first time last night – and you are right it is quite heartbreaking. Robin was great, and he deserved to know that. I think the important thing for the depressed is to remember that there are people who want to help, and it is important for the loved ones to remain available and not try and “fix” the depression. Rather just be there, and ride through it as a companion.

  3. My dear daughter
    How can I tell you I love you. I held my tears in check for Robin – I cannot for you. Please keep on chugging up the cliff walls and reminding me, too. I listen and catalog your every word – my little princess hero!!

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