I spent yesterday sobbing on and off over the death of Robin Williams.
The whole country did.
And even now I am pacing and sobbing because I have forgotten how to blog
and I HAVE to write this.
Please pardon me if this sucks a little.
And I will try for once, to pardon myself.
I have an affinity for comedians and Robin was my favorite.
My favorite Robin Williams movie is ironically The Fisher King.
I have struggled with anxiety and depression my whole life.
I can remember being depressed as a little girl.
Being alone and talking to myself in the woods for hours, days and weeks on end.
I made up my own little Neverland full of taking animals, evil witches and fairies.
I swear it was a parallel universe.
Mr. Williams told of a similar childhood experience.
Depression has been like a surly pet that follows me everywhere.
It took me years to get it under control.
And even then it was always napping in a corner with one eye open and growling a little.
And then last year happened.
This blog is a fluffy recap.
My depression woke up like a rabid chihuahua.
And I crawled into a bottle.
I stayed there for the better part of a year.
I stopped writing this blog.
I could barely pass my classes.
I shoved away family and friends.
And there was NO off switch.
I have since begun the process crawling out of that rabbit hole AGAIN.
But this man’s passing has taught me something invaluable.
Depression can fucking KILL you.
You can be Robin Williams.
You can be beloved to millions.
You can have a career that is not only respectable but iconic.
You can be over 60 and covered with as much hair as a small Grizzlie.
and STILL be considered a sex symbol.
You can have a wife and children who love and adore you.
You’re very name can be synonymous with laughter and smiles.
And depression can still lie to you SO effectively that you are certain that everyone around you would be
better off if you were gone.
Because that’s what it does.
It is as effective a liar and twister of facts as any evil dictator.
It’s lies kill people everyday.
I hope this is not in any way glib or disrespectful to his or anyones family.
I just lost my Daddy too.
But I hope at least some will come to understand through this loss that depression is not a joke.
That SOMETIMES when you tell someone to “buck up and get over it” it’s as if you’re
telling someone in a wheelchair to stand up because their presence is bumming YOU out.
I don’t know the answer.
I cannot tell anyone how to deal with a depressed love one.
But this could and should shed a little light.
And to anyone that has depression:
Please stop beating the shit out of yourself.
And don’t let the world do it for you.
We know you are trying.
It just doesn’t always look like it to the world around you.
Just keep trying.
And gravitate towards love not criticism.
That’s what I’m going to do.
Goodbye Mr. Williams.
Thanks for everything.