If I were a Disney Villianess

I seriously grew up Disney. I remember the 90s when Jeffrey Katzenberg cleverly butchered The Little Mermaid (my favorite fairy tale of all time) and saved Disney’s bacon by regenerating old stereotypes and planted the seed for a new wave of Disney marketing madness. That is a different beast. When I was little, Disney was all there was. We listened to albums that came with picture books and waited with great anticipation for Sunday night. That was when Disney would come into our homes. Tinkerbell would wave her sassy little wand and we would be carried away to Witch Mountain by Herbie the Love Bug or The Apple Dumpling Gang. And if we were really lucky and our parents were drunk or fighting or both we would get to stay up and see what fresh Bob Mackie disaster Cher was sporting that week. We particularly loved it when she and Sonny would carry out little Chastity at the end.

We are all old now, Tinkerbell has been homogenized and lobotomized (she used to be sexy and dangerous remember?)

peter pan tinkerbell mad
That Wendy Bird best get up off ma man. I’ll cut a bitch……

…….and of course Chastity is now a man named Chaz. God bless him and let us all keep our sense of humor about what ever bullshit life is dealing us today. It can always be worse.

And now Disney is everyone’s favorite pop culture villain. Every bad thing that women believe about being a female can be traced back to a Disney cartoon that portrayed beautiful young girls as pure, middle aged women as conniving and evil, and princes with perfect cheek bones and kindly eyes as our eventual destiny and saviors. I would bet my last tube of over priced wrinkle cream that there is a study being done at some major university on the cultural effects of Disney.

But when we were kids it was still a candy coated subliminal message that we never thought about twice. I just wanted wings. And damnit I couldn’t buy them at the Disney store, my mom had to make them with coat hangers and nylons, up hill both ways in the snow!
Whatever. This is not a thesis on Disney. I was just thinking today as I was hiking on the stairmaster (in defiance of gravity) about what kind of Disney Villainess I would be.

Of course we ALL want to be Maleficent from Sleeping Beauty. That bitch is baddass and still hot. Even with the horns. Plus she can turn into a dragon!

Go back to sleep sista. I’m gonna seduce your boyfriend, and then I’m gonna charcoal his ass like dog on a stick.

And NO ONE wants to be Lady Tremaine from Cinderella. She’s just pissed off because she’s never having sex again.

If I take off this dress my neck will snap!

I am torn about Cruella because I am a dog person, but she does appeal to my inner drag queen. Plus she still gets to smoke.

Warning Label: Cigarettes cause cancer and birth defects. They also cause your conscience to shrivel up and die and give you the urge to kill small animals and talk like Zsa Zsa Gabor.

If I were a Disney Villainess I would probably be an aging bartender named Pandora.

Cuz, ya know…

its all about the box.

The owner (whom I’ve secretly been in love with for years) has just hired a beautiful young cocktail waitress named Purity. She is the most beautiful girl anyone has seen in this town since…well since I was her age. IN FACT she is even MORE beautiful than I was in my prime.
Its true.

They’re all saying it behind my back.

I have got to get rid of her.

I employ my sweet but stupid regular customer who will do anything I say to lure her into into the liquor room after closing time.

Then I offer her a poisoned apple martini and tell her its my secret recipe that will make the man of her dreams love her so much that he begins slashing at his wrists at the thought of losing her.

This might make you feel a LEEEETLE sleepy…….

Then just as she is about to take a sip the owner (who already loves her) breaks down the door and pushes me into the wine cellar. There I am surrounded by  the remains of all the men I have served over the years who are now wet brained drunken zombies spewing antediluvian xenophobic bullshit they heard on Fox News. They corner me and berate me, calling me a liberal hippie and a feminist bitch. I must pay for my crimes. They are too feeble to actually hurt me so they pelt me with quarters (cuz they’re all cheap as hell…) and chase me into the woods where I am then eaten by coyotes.

Maybe I should go do my math now…….


5 thoughts on “If I were a Disney Villianess

  1. When the director of my department walks by, I sing (softly) “Cruella de Ville… Cruella de Ville… if she doesn’t scare you, no evil thing will…” I caught a co-worker humming it as the necrophiliac bi**ch passed by the other day. Bonus. If she ever finds out where it comes from, I’m dead.

  2. Dave

    I loved The Wonderful World of Disney on Sunday nights! And the Sunny and Cher Show with cute little Chastity. But my oh my, what tortured dreams you must have to try to sleep thru! LOL
    As always, an interesting read. Thank you for the entertainment you call life! 🙂

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