Victoria’s Candy Coated Barbie Colored Pedophilic Corporate Secret

Finally!

You know blogging is not like riding a bike. I have been moving and my internet access and free time have been spotty so I haven’t been able to blog. And the longer I put it off the more anxiety I create about the quality of writing that I can produce.  Cuz I’m always worried that it isn’t funny. I facebook my friend:

So was it funny?

Sandy you can’t say shit like that.

But was it funny? Were you laughing on the inside or did you actually pee?

Sandy people you know are going to read this….

But was it funny? Did you laugh? Why won’t you answer my question?

Conclusion being that I must work in quantity in order to produce quality. And I must be more selective about who I ask for feedback.

ANYWAY….I have moved. I am still going to the gym and my goddamn boobs are still shrinking. I have two horrible cheap bras made of some toxic rubber produced in a third world country by textile slave traders trying to keep us all in affordable brassieres. And I can fit both of my boobies in one cup. I decided that it was time to buy a new one.  Normally I head for Penny’s or Target and just buy some reasonably priced ill fitted slingshot. But with my new found “childless” freedom I felt it was time for me to have a proper bra experience.

I am not a fan of Victoria’s Secret. It long ago went from a cute lingerie store to a terrifying panty marketing machine.  Recently they had a controversial fashion show (featuring Justin Bieber, whose audience is ages 9-14) surrounding an Indian costume that looked straight out of a Cher concert circa 1973 .

Victorias-Secret-Fashion-Show-2012-11-600x911
But nobody was disturbed by this.

So I wandered in to VS in my workout clothes. I forgot to wear earrings which is what I do when leave the house looking like hell so people don’t think I’m homeless. When I stepped across the Barbie pink thresh hold I was immediately assaulted by two perky young women working headsets.
What can I help you find today?

Umm….A bra?   (Never answer their questions. Its like talking to demons in the mist. You will be sucked in)

Well you are in the right place! What size are you?

Actually between sizes right now. I’ve lost a bunch of weight…
She began whispering into her head set. We have a new size!  All hands on deck!

Well follow me hun! My name is Jasmine and I’m going to be measuring you today!

Jasmine locked me in a dressing room while whispering clandestine instructions to Zoeeee who knocked on the door 30 seconds later.

Come in…

You have the power! Open the door sweetie. Now what do you want your bra to do? What do you want it to say?

Well….I want it to hold up the remainder of my boobs. I don’t really want to converse with it.

Haha! You are SOOOO funny!!! So Jasmine tells me you are a 34D

Get the fuck out….

Seriously! I am a 34D too! (Apparently the marketing department has been working overtime)

size-d
Bitch please…..

So I have brought you all of our styles in black. You try them on and see which one you like. THEN we get to the FUN part!

All my underwear is black. Like my soul. Remember?

I tried on all four styles. The first one was so awful I swallowed my tongue.

So if I am a luscious 34d and this is my size why do I feel like I am wrapped in duct tape and what the hell is that mound of flesh hanging over the side of my fabulous Victoria’s Secret bra?

Oh…..Thats normal. Its actually breast tissue.

It all comes together now. VS counts the horrible fat under your armpits as part of your boobies. That just f’ed up.

I hate lifting weights. Hate it. I know what I am doing is not enough and seriously wish I had been born in the day when it was sexy to be able to tie your stomach fat in a knot and a slap on the ass caused a  cellulite tsunami  to roll from your butt all the way up your back.

I will take up Yoga as soon as time permits.

But I am not spending 50 dollars on a bra that creates a second set of boobs hanging out the side.

I finally settled on the most expensive model which was cut lower under the armpits. Why does it cost more for common sense?

Zoeeeee (my new bff) showed me my new bra in  all the colors  of the rainbow.

I grabbed a black one and headed for the register.

On my way out the door two new fresh faced VS drones smiled and waved at me. Enjoy your new bra!

Seriously. She yelled this into the causeway of the mall.

Whatever. I am already carrying a bright Barbie pink bag with wispy pink tissue spilling out the top in front of God and everyone. I have a new black lace Secret that is already cutting into my shoulders.

Stick those 34ds out and work it sister!

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23 thoughts on “Victoria’s Candy Coated Barbie Colored Pedophilic Corporate Secret

  1. Rikki

    Great read. Loved it! No need to say that it was funny – i laughed all the way through.

    I’ve heard about this “shrinking-boob-syndrome” that happens to ladies going to the gym. Mysterious.

    You nailed it. The VS experience. Which is exactly why I don’t shop there…even just taking a peek and it’s always an awkward feeling I get.

    Yeah, I recently got into a fight with my bra which was the final straw that made me go online to find some new ones to purchase. I sent the old ones to jail and life is so much more peaceful now.

    Amazon is a wonderful place.

  2. Paul

    Although my past makes me more of a bra-taker-off-her expert instead of bra marketer, I have shopped at VS for my other half, and you are on the mark. Truth is funnier than fiction, and yes, your blog is funny. Keep it up.

  3. mariekeates

    Funny! You brightened up my dismal morning! If it’s any consolation, last time I got measured for a bra they tried to sell me one that gave me a whole new pair of boobs on my back! What’s that all about?

  4. Sally Logg

    Right on – Just wait til you are my age and see what happens to those boobies – (over 70) It is NOT a pretty picture!!

  5. Dene

    I needed that! Very funny and I agree with the “too” frighteningly on the mark!” We’ve all been there hon!

  6. Tami Haley

    Sandra, you are hilarious!!! You have such a twisted, yet right on, take on life! 🙂 Keep up the writings… we are all waiting!

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