Warning. This isn’t funny. There is nothing funny about this. I just spent the evening with two people I love who are so unhappy and so desperately tied together that you can feel the pain between them like a rubberband that will not fucking snap. Its actually visible. And it made me think about how hard it is to be alone and alive. Is it worse to be alone together? I have only my own conjecture. I have lived alone forever with my own fantasies and I sometimes wonder if they are lonelier than together alone. Everyone I know is grasping and groping. My own mother alone in her 70s or my father who needs my stepmother to breathe. What is worse? Is it all just selfishness? I dont know. My best friend in N.Y jokes about love. He says
“What is this chip you have to be loved… Geez… we are born alone and die alone.. that’s how god wants it… “
Tonight’s conclusion is that if it weren’t for sex I do not think I would bother.
Because in a relationship I will always be Thing 1. Thing 1 takes care of Thing 2 while Thing 2 goes about blithely sucking the Chi from Thing 1 as if it has every right in the world. I do not want to be jaded. I don’t. I do not want to be a sad man hater, am not angry or strait enough for that. I do not hate male creatures. Actually wish I were one. If God makes me come back here again I will be a strait white male or I will not come back at all. Not kidding about this. And yet the pressure on them is immense. I bore one. I am aware. And if you do the right thing it seems you must sacrifice all earthly pleasures in order to save yourself from eternal damnation. WTF Lord? And when I say earthly pleasures I mean your youth, your soul and the feeling that your life matters. Nothing less will do. No wonder we’ve dreamed up rewards in heaven. No wonder old women fawn over the young. Its like a ghost of what mattered a decade ago. Crap. I cannot post this.
And then I see examples of people who are best friends and give to one another and I have the fresh hope of someone who is young enough to keep trying. I suppose I have nothing better to do.