So Saturday was my son’s 22nd birthday. With all the drama happening around here I kinda screwed up. I know the date. I remember vividly sucking on ice cubes and watching my husband shuffle around the room like a zombie. I also remember the urge to take him out with every contraction. Divorce was definitely imminent. And I remember Max’ cute little head in my arms when it was all over.
All that said I did not actually FORGET his birthday….I just got days and dates and work schedules all mixed up. Didn’t realize he had actually taken the day off and was quietly waiting for someone to notice. I finally figured it out. Am idiot. So as always when you need to get out of work quickly the Universe often conspires to wreck your plans. There were several events going on and I was obliged to help with all of them. Not complaining about work really, just timing. Timing is everything. It is the essential ingredient in comedy, sex and cooking; the Holy Trinity, right?
I had to go help another bartender with an event in the other room and I didn’t have time to count my till. I stuck it under the bar and out of sight. Two hours later I came back in a guilty panic, running late. When I went to count the money I found that water had leaked all over the 20s. I had about $800 in 20 dollar bills that were on the verge of disintegrating. Its hard to destroy money. You have to do it on purpose really. Or just be me. And remember I’m late. I could not deposit the money like this. I had to dry it out. In the oldy moldy days we took money and put it under those glass coffee pots and dried them that way.
So barring an old fashioned coffee pot and any sign of common sense I stuck about $500 in the microwave. Did you know that money has metal in it? Didja? Of course you did.
I did not. The smell in the bar was like aluminum foil and hair. On fire. Once again saved from real tragedy, the bills were merely scorched and did not burst into flames. There is only one with a large hole in the middle. The bookkeeper is already leery of my atrocious scrawl and paper work habits. The look on her face in the morning should be priceless. My Awesome L’il Boss laughed her ass off.
“You know….you have an amazing resume, a background in management, and I believe you have been the supervisory reference for at least three people since you started here. How the hell is it you don’t get fired?”
“Amazing bullshit skills darling. And of course divine intervention….”
Post trauma follow up: I was not fired. Nor was the Account Manager pissed off. He does call me Sparky now……