I will never be a real woman and I will always be alone because I hate cats. Everywhere I turn especially on the internet someone is trying to beguile me with cute kitty pictures. Every woman I know goes just a little bit bat shit over their cat. I have had MULTIPLE cell phone video assaults by female friends who feel the need to show me how adorable their cat is when it eats, sleeps, tears up the couch, or assaults their husband in the groin. It is all I can do not to scream:
ITS A CAT!!! THERE ARE SIX OF THEM IN MY DUMPSTER!!!
But you know, the multiple factor makes me think its me. I didn’t always hate cats. I have always been neutral on the subject. In fact I own one. My sweet but stupid cat is fifteen years old. He continues to live just to torture me. We were walking in Toluca Lake when Max was little and this pregnant cat followed us home. My son was 6 years old and Sadie the Slut had a litter of six kittens in my closet. Did you know that a cat can be impregnated by multiple males? Sadie’s kittens were all the colors of the rainbow.
Kittens are of course adorable. I am not a monster. God makes babies cute so we don’t eat them. So when your adorable six year old is sitting in a pile of your shoes cuddling kitties, you get a kitten. Then the kitten grows into a goddamn cat.
The cat and I had a mutual understanding for many years. He did his business mostly outside, ate dry food that didn’t make me heave, and only brought me half dead birds biannually. But when we moved to this apartment everything changed. He is old. He uses the general area of the litter box. I want to be empathetic. I do. Cat shit is lethal stuff. It is not only disgusting but it makes people crazy.
Right!? Jesus H! No wonder old women everywhere are coming unglued. There are little microbes crawling everywhere dragging the crazy from the box to your couch to your bed! Every time I go into my room and catch the cat sleeping on my pillow all I can think is you just crawled out of that damn box! You are covered in evil microbes sent by Satan to turn me into a crazy old woman who wears her bra outside her blouse and talks to multiple cats who are crawling around her ankles trying to send her sprawling so they can consume her dead flesh when she falls!
Get off my damn pillow!
I’m sure its just me