So following the great date debacle I decided I needed to accelerate this whole weight loss process. Because rejection sucks. And rejection at work is a big poo flavored lollypop covered in cat hair that you have to suck on with a big grin on your face. Its rejection on steroids. There are two choices that follow rejection. The first is to get back on your feet, shake your hair out like Farrah Fawcett and take back your power. The other is a pint of Ben & Jerry’s and a case of cheap red wine. For once I decided to try the former.
To be fair this isn’t the first time I’ve done this. I am basically lazy when it comes to exercise and I skate whenever I can. This is becoming increasingly more difficult with age. Bottom line I am panicking. I do not want to go into my fifties looking like a goddamn penguin. Superficial? Hell yeah I’m superficial! I’m from Los Angeles damnit! They start sending you AARP material at thirty five. I’m vain and terrified of aging. My mother is the same way. She is seventy and she puts on her make up in the dark. My plan at seventy is just to go full blown Phyllis Diller. But I’m not there yet so I rejoined the gym. I can’t actually afford it. That was my lame excuse for quitting the last time and I had more money then than I do now. But they’re under new ownership, they lowered the price and they fixed the steam room.
Oh my god the steam room!
If I cannot have a cheeseburger, the steam room is almost as good. I have been in there every day at maximum heat for the maximum amount of time I can possibly get away with. Its like being surrounded in a cloud of sex. Probably shouldn’t be in there alone. If I don’t post anything for more than two weeks someone should check the steam room. They will find my smiling naked corpse curled up in a ball with my ass pointed at the steamer. My butt feels like butter right now. Its awesome.
I have started out slow and tomorrow I have my appointment with the personal trainer and nutritionist who is going to scold me for basically starving the last ten pounds off. He can say what he wants. It worked. See that is the secret to weight loss. You stop eating. I know it sounds radical and I fully understand that a reason (like the possibility that someone might actually see you naked) must be found. But it works. After you get used to the dizziness and hallucinations its all good. But if I want to keep it up I have to start doing things correctly or I will be back to square one. So now its time to start putting things back where they belong. Oh my god my arms! They are horrible! They look like my Grandmother’s! And she has been dead for years! I could totally fly south with these wings. Maybe if I just stay in the steam room they will go away…..