So I went home this Christmas for the first time in 5 years. Home being Los Angeles sort of and Burbank specifically, sort of. My family is having issues and I am the same wackadoodle broad I have always been. But before I could confront the soul shattering earth moving tableau that would be eight days with my family, I had to navigate the airport at Christmas time. Enter the Grinch. Its not that I have no “Christmas Spirit”. I was just a little short on sugar plums this year. I spent so long being Mommy, Daddy and Santa that when my son became a young adult the whole thing just made me tired. There is no one in the vicinity that needs any cookies or stocking stuffers, most especially me. I am a stocking stuffer. Max is busy with his new lady love. So I just sort of pretended it wasn’t happening. I’m sure that my Christmas spirit will return someday like a cold sore, blooming bright red like a Poinsettia But for this year I just kinda watched everyone else.
It started snowing the day of my trip. Yay! Airport in the snow! And it was actually sticking to the ground, not just passing through space and mixing with the northwest rain. My son was supposed to drive me to the airport, which is on the other side of town. I decided that I should just take the train. He has never driven in the snow before; and practicing at the airport the week before Christmas with your perfectly sober mother in the car? nah..train. I like the train. Everyone was lugging their lives around in a bag as our destination was the airport. I met a very nice couple from Chicago and we had a light-hearted discussion about global warming. Because as always every toad or snake that falls from my lips hops or slithers away to bring joy to every soul I touch. The airport is like a way station in Sheol going from one level of hell to the next. OHH! Side note! This is an awesome internet test.
I am apparently glutenous and lustful but above all violent. This makes sense because I have always been a fighter not a lover.
The airport is nothing more than one long damn line followed by a waiting period to get into another line. All around are screaming infants whose parents all look as if they’ve just completed electroshock therapy . I don’t actually blame the babies. We are all internally screaming at the airport. We just have to filter. This trip would include two things new to my airport experience. Long layovers and the friendly agents of TSA. Airport security has always been a trial for me because it requires me to shut my smart mouth and do as I’m told. My years as a waitress have improved these skills, but at critical moments (like the ones that will keep me out of jail) I am always tempted. One liners run through my mind at breakneck speed. Must not speak! Must shut big mouth! This trip was no different. In fact it was worse because now in addition to removing your shoes, jewelry and exposing the contents of your bags, you must step into a giant x ray machine that looks like the toy transporters from the original Star Trek.
The agents in Portland were almost TOO friendly.
“Ok ma’m spread your legs and put your hands in the air like you just don’t care!”
( Damm. Getting a little warm in here, right?)
“Scuse me ma’m could you step to the right please? Do you have something in your pockets?”
(Well I don’t know Baby. Whats in your pocket?)
My ATM card was in my pocket. Nothing in the pockets. Big no-no.
“Ma’am I’m afraid we’re going to have to pat you down. ”
(That is Sooo Hot….)
“Would you like a private room?”
( Oh no. Do it right here in front of God and everyone. Awe yeah…lower)
I considered going back through security a few more times to get a little more action but my flight was about to take off. I had a two hour lay over in San Francisco. I had to go back through security to go smoke, but unfortunately I forgot to leave my ATM card in my pocket again. So instead I spent two hours going up and down the People Mover. I LOVE the People Mover! For those unlucky folks that have never experienced this its an awesome moving sidewalk. Weeeee! Its better than Disney Land! After two hours cruising the People Mover it was time to head to the gate. I was sort of hoping that someone would call security on me (Hi Baby. Did ya miss me?) But no luck. So on the plane and onto Los Angeles. Family drama here I come! Woot!